Not a Fun Night

I'm stuck in a UC computer lab until 8am. Not an experience I even had while a UC student, even in Grad. school. The smell of the books permeates the whole place, though I can't actually get at the books from here. My genius husband thought that driving through the snow for an eight hour shift in a computer lab over winter break was worth it, and I thought it was better to stay up all night just to go on the ride with him, than to wait at home and hope he got there okay. This was, perhaps, a stupid idea.

Now that I'm back here, though, all I want to do is write. Hence, the post here. I have no notebook, no pen, no flash drive even. I only brought a book with me and reading tiny letters with tired eyes is no fun at all, so now I'm typing away.

I guess I have cookie baking to look forward to?

And a Month Later

I'm clearly not good at keeping this up. I think I neglect it even more than my journal, as I don't attempt to be witty in my journal. Almost done with school, I've settled in to work on my Capstone final. (Clearly, not working too hard at the moment...) The wedding invites are out, so I guess that's settled. Now just a few months of economic hardship and hectic weekends. And don't forget the parts where I have to recieve gifts in front of a large crowd of people and pretend I'm not wishing I could scream and run off. Joy to be had.

Yesterday was two years with Ed. Amazing that I've put up with him so long. That ties this with my other long relationship, which might have had another month or two past two years, but was emotionally over after less than a year. I suppose it's good that this bodes well, as I'm marrying him and will be spending a lot more years with him.

I do not like when things end, I will confess it freely. Even if it's something I didn't enjoy, say, a job, I'm still sad when my time comes to an end because I'm not that great with change. I get settled in my routine and I feel comfortable, and if not happy, at least I get by. Now, everything is changing. I'm (hopefully) going to work, people I have grown to love are leaving now that I've grown to love them, and I'm back out of the academic setting that I adore. Am I optimistic, sure. Doesn't mean I'm not melancholy too. Especially about people leaving. I've never found a group that suited me so well in intellect, interests and personality, but there you go.

I guess there's always the PhD.

Happiness Is...

A soft, warm kitten curled up under your chin, purring while you dig fingers into his fur and kiss the top of his head. It's such a sweet moment that the drool he then sprays when he shakes his head, and your kiss, doesn't upset all that much. Of course, it's only a fleeting moment before he pulls away and curls up on your lap, seeking cuddles on his -own- terms, but for that one moment you remember why you put up with the ankle biting, rug puking, yelling.

It's moments like this afternoon that ensure that people keep cats as pets, instead of just giving up on the whole rotten species.

Eleanor Read

Today I got the message that my grandmother had passed away this morning. I was braced for the news as it was accepted that it would be any day, and I've been expecting every phone call for the last two or three to deliver that news. In fact, I was just pulling the phone out to turn the volume back on after teaching so I could recieve such a call, only to find the text from my mother waiting for me.

I said my goodbye last Weds., so I have no regrets, nothing I feel was left unsaid. And outwardly I seem to not be reacting much at all to the news. In large part, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond anyway. I've not lost a grandparent since half my lifetime ago, and while I understand the repercussions more now, and I understand the importance of family more now... I don't know how to react. I cancelled my class last Weds. to say my goodbye, and I felt guilty for doing so, worried that my desire to get in to see her that very day, before pain meds. made her unaware of company, was extreme. But how do I know what's extreme at a time like this? Or what is too little response?

I can say this, the news this morning has made me impatient, unable to sit down to any one thing for any period of time. I'm bothered, but more like I've had too much coffee. Since she used to buy me coffee for Christmas though, I guess this is fitting.

Be happy, Grandma.

Regret

Now that my final year here at UC is coming to a close, I have a few regrets, as I find that I generally do when I finish up a course of study. For high school I regretted not getting more involved. For undergrad. I regretted switching schools so much and not starting out at UC as I would then have no student loans hanging over my head. Now, I regret not socializing more with the amazing people I've had the opportunity to attend classes with.

Sure, being antisocial is in my nature. I don't like going out to new places- I have to be pried out with a crowbar. And being a Cincy native, I already had friends making demands on my time, and I lacked the need to make new relationships with new people if I wanted to socialize. I was also fairly new in a rather engrossing relationship. Thus, when my new classmates went out, I politely declined and stayed in, or went out with other friends. Sadly, I like my classmates and enjoy spending time with them more than I enjoy going out with some of my other friends- the conversation is usually more to my taste.

About when I was feeling comfortable around the new people, I hit a slump in schoolwork. I was stressed out and exhausted and didn't want to go out at all, with anyone. This lasted for a good year or so. And now, finally, now, I feel up to going out, I feel like going new places and trying new things and being around fantastic, interesting and engaging individuals... and they're all leaving in a few months. Okay, not all, but a lot, and those that will remain will not be right on hand in the office to talk with on a daily basis.

My goal then, for this quarter and for as long as some remain in town, is to spend a lot more time with everyone in the office. So far, so good. We'll see how it goes.

FSM

Saw something completely amazing on my drive in to school yesterday and I think it deserves to be recorded. I was driving behind a car that at first appeared to have a Jesus fish on the back of it, though it looked odd. Now, I laughed the first time I saw a Darwin fish, and I've seen (at least online) Viking fish, but this was different.

At a stop light I was close enough to recognize... the traditional 'fish' shape had tentacles and buggy eyes on stalks coming out the top, with the initials FSM in the middle. Yes, it was a sign of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And it was win.

Recapture the Feeling

Welcome to my introductory blog post. I'm sure you'll get the proper introduction elsewhere, another time. For now, let's begin with the poem I took the title of the blog from, a little drabble I wrote back, way back- when I first started undergrad. and was an entirely different person.


Recapture the feeling?
Impossible!
Reality has intervened...