Today I got the message that my grandmother had passed away this morning. I was braced for the news as it was accepted that it would be any day, and I've been expecting every phone call for the last two or three to deliver that news. In fact, I was just pulling the phone out to turn the volume back on after teaching so I could recieve such a call, only to find the text from my mother waiting for me.
I said my goodbye last Weds., so I have no regrets, nothing I feel was left unsaid. And outwardly I seem to not be reacting much at all to the news. In large part, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond anyway. I've not lost a grandparent since half my lifetime ago, and while I understand the repercussions more now, and I understand the importance of family more now... I don't know how to react. I cancelled my class last Weds. to say my goodbye, and I felt guilty for doing so, worried that my desire to get in to see her that very day, before pain meds. made her unaware of company, was extreme. But how do I know what's extreme at a time like this? Or what is too little response?
I can say this, the news this morning has made me impatient, unable to sit down to any one thing for any period of time. I'm bothered, but more like I've had too much coffee. Since she used to buy me coffee for Christmas though, I guess this is fitting.
Be happy, Grandma.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Regret
Now that my final year here at UC is coming to a close, I have a few regrets, as I find that I generally do when I finish up a course of study. For high school I regretted not getting more involved. For undergrad. I regretted switching schools so much and not starting out at UC as I would then have no student loans hanging over my head. Now, I regret not socializing more with the amazing people I've had the opportunity to attend classes with.
Sure, being antisocial is in my nature. I don't like going out to new places- I have to be pried out with a crowbar. And being a Cincy native, I already had friends making demands on my time, and I lacked the need to make new relationships with new people if I wanted to socialize. I was also fairly new in a rather engrossing relationship. Thus, when my new classmates went out, I politely declined and stayed in, or went out with other friends. Sadly, I like my classmates and enjoy spending time with them more than I enjoy going out with some of my other friends- the conversation is usually more to my taste.
About when I was feeling comfortable around the new people, I hit a slump in schoolwork. I was stressed out and exhausted and didn't want to go out at all, with anyone. This lasted for a good year or so. And now, finally, now, I feel up to going out, I feel like going new places and trying new things and being around fantastic, interesting and engaging individuals... and they're all leaving in a few months. Okay, not all, but a lot, and those that will remain will not be right on hand in the office to talk with on a daily basis.
My goal then, for this quarter and for as long as some remain in town, is to spend a lot more time with everyone in the office. So far, so good. We'll see how it goes.
Sure, being antisocial is in my nature. I don't like going out to new places- I have to be pried out with a crowbar. And being a Cincy native, I already had friends making demands on my time, and I lacked the need to make new relationships with new people if I wanted to socialize. I was also fairly new in a rather engrossing relationship. Thus, when my new classmates went out, I politely declined and stayed in, or went out with other friends. Sadly, I like my classmates and enjoy spending time with them more than I enjoy going out with some of my other friends- the conversation is usually more to my taste.
About when I was feeling comfortable around the new people, I hit a slump in schoolwork. I was stressed out and exhausted and didn't want to go out at all, with anyone. This lasted for a good year or so. And now, finally, now, I feel up to going out, I feel like going new places and trying new things and being around fantastic, interesting and engaging individuals... and they're all leaving in a few months. Okay, not all, but a lot, and those that will remain will not be right on hand in the office to talk with on a daily basis.
My goal then, for this quarter and for as long as some remain in town, is to spend a lot more time with everyone in the office. So far, so good. We'll see how it goes.
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